I am unwell. my mental health is going to kill me. this sickness inside me. the death grip it has on my thoughts is paralyzing. I can't breathe. I don't deal well with loss. A good friend was taken, just ripped from this Earth. launched into the unknown, amongst the many people I love. he is just floating there. flashes of my mortality are all I see. they are free. out there
I promise I'm not trying to sound crazy.
I can't seem to contain anything, any sane logic or thought. I don't know how to go about seeking the help that I need. all I seem to think about lately is death. how we can be breathing, talking, able to touch our loved ones, and then the next second our bodies, our life is gone..that is frightening. to just disappear. your lifetime of possessions just there. your Facebook still signed in. your pets now abandoned. no way of knowing. Everything about you is memories.
I sometimes feel myself slipping away, my heart slowing down so much I don't even hear a heartbeat anymore, laying as still as I can. maybe I will just dissolve into nothing, scattered sparkles floating in the air. I know what it's like to want to die. to be so alone and filled with anger & anxiety and extreme fear of living. the brink. I've been there.
What stops someone from taking their own life?...can anything? Is it already programmed into our brains? Fate? Circumstance?
What makes someone want to live? I keep holding onto hope, that tomorrow will be different, that one day i won't feel this way. But knowing that it might not be is terrifying.
