If - by Rudyard Kipling

IF.....

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

the summer wind blows in my open window...I lay focused on the wall , slowly breathing in. every movement of my body is an explosion of noise...so loud, white noise all around me.  

lost in the cracks in the cement, into a world of unknown faces.  I walk for awhile. I cant make sense of anything, my brain has short circuited.

my hands are numb, i can no longer grasp for what i reach, but continuing to reach anyways. my heart is hurting, i feel warm inside, i know i'm not dead.

iConcerts - Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire (live)

My Morning Jacket Newport Folk Festival (Full Show)

Morning Poem by Mary Oliver

Every morning

the world
is created.
Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it

the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---

there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,

whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

This pic is my childhood home....where i lived till I was fourteen <3



He has returned,  I am back blogging after a short hiatus.

I sometimes feel as if I dont even know the man I've become, the man i see in the mirror every morning.  I woke up today, and just stared back at the reflection i saw, who is this aging man?  when did he become this man, i saw looking back at me.?  Slowly I've come to admit i am so much like my father, that it isnt even funny.  I find myself talking like him, lots of his mannerisms etc..

I guess it hit me pretty hard this week, when Andy Griffith passed away, "The Andy Griffith show" was my dads favorite show. He would always whistle the theme tune while out working in the yard or working on mowers or something in his garage.  My dad loved bluegrass music as well and i recently found an old Andy Griffith gospel bluegrass record in some of his stuff.  I guess when i lost my dad when i was 14, that show took on a part of parenting on his behalf...Yes, my dad taught me alot in fourteen years, I am just saying i think the show was an extention of him, a part that i could keep alive, but now i feel loss all over again.

I've lost alot of things, people, years of my life worrying, but one thing im fighting for lately is my faith. I'm trying not to lose my focus on Jesus Christ.  It's not easy, at all.  But Should it be?  Is anything worth havin, worth fighting for?  I just do not understand how me being Gay, makes me less of a christian than the hypocrites who look down on me.  I try not to let it weigh me down.  I am a good-hearted person.   I think Christ is putting more and more non-believers in front of me, to show me a different path, than the one i was lost on.  I believe with all my heart he has a plan for me, ( whoa i just went all Simon Birch on ya'll ).  I wont lie ive been questioning my faith, more now than ever in my lifetime.  But I remain.

*begin rant* I was on facebook the other day, and saw a good friend of mine posting this and that. She is a public complainer, lets just get that out there in the open.  I love her dearly but boy is she a public complainer!  It just makes me so sad to see someone who speaks so highly of her church and her beliefs...but in the next post, she hates her dating situation, her job, her need for a vacation, her inability to carry on just one minute more, without just dying of pure exzaustion.   Dont get me wrong people.  I am all for venting, lord know ive done lots in my time.  But this is such an ongoing thing, that it just aggrivates me.  I dont know her daily life, and i do not know most of her situations...But I know her life is NOT that bad, seriously.  *End pointless rant*   I just needed to get that out ya'll.

I think i need to say an extra prayer for me just now gossip'n a bit. :)

Songs I'm currently obsessed with;

Chairlift - I Belong In Your Arms
Frank Ocean- Pyramids
Jens Lekman - Your Beat Kicks Back Like Death
Shiny Toy Guns-  Waiting alone

The Secret Sisters - House Of Gold (Live)

Oreo Bark

What you’ll need. (ingredients)

• 15 Oreo cookies, cut into quarters
• 12 oz semi sweet chocolate
• 6 oz white chocolate

Let’s do this. (instructions)

1. Melt the semi sweet chocolate in a microwave or on low heat in a saucepan. Remove from heat. Add the oreo cookies and stir very gently. Turn out onto a foil lined cookie sheet and spread out with a knife-try to spread out the cookies so they aren’t in a clump but instead a single layer. Make sure to keep it thin so it’s easy to break when cooled.

2. Melt the white chocolate and drizzle on top, filling in the thin spots.

3. Allow candy to cool and harden. When it’s hardened throughout, have fun breaking into bite size pieces to snack on.

Variation…..broken pieces of candy cane would be delectable in this.

The Journey of one

I've heard people say before, that once you hit a certain age. All you seem to do is reflect on life and how little left of it , you may or may not have.  reminising more than you should and trying to accomplish things, in earlier years you could care less about.  I suppose this is true in my case, allthough I'm not so much worried about death, as i am scared of living.  I have a constant fear of losing all my possesions, not saying i have much in the sense of valuables..But just the fact of losing everything. losing memories, losing touch..losing the grasp of what has made me who i am.  Not sure this would make sence to most rational thinking people..But Its just how my brain calculates.


I've been trying to reconnect with certain family members. But i keep striking out in that area... I seriously dont know when its time to give up people.  Thats always been a problem i've had,  Just needing them to stay for purely selfish reasons, or the fact that i fear loss, or just that i think i need them in my life.


Of course family is differant than most situations i've faced lately.  I am only one person on this earth, I cant read minds, I cant make things happen , just cause i want them to be.  I cant make those see who refuse to see.  and I cant make those love, who are unwilling or unable to love.  Will I keep trying?  I dunno, probably.  If you've known me for anything period of time, you know i wear my heart on my sleeve...I may not seem like the most sensitve of people at first...I am almost cripplingly sensitive. I love my siblings beyond words, It kills me to feel like I'm so alone.


I've been painting alot, its helped alot with negative thoughts. Its been a great outlet to just let go and put my feeling in the form of something tangible, outside my mind.


One thing ive been doing since i've hit 30 has been trying to eat healthier.. I have the  goal of becoming Vegetarian by January 2013...Not sure if that one is gonna happen...but ive slowly been setting short term goals, limiting meat from my diet.  And its slowly working, i think. Last night I made Mushroom Burgers. It’s based on something I saw Jamie Oliver do on his cooking show. It involves roasting large mushrooms with a garlic and herb butter spread on the underside. As the butter melts and soaks through the mushrooms into the pan all the flavor spreads through the mushroom. They’re awesome. I’d even go as far to say they’re better than a real burger.


I’m almost half way through the book American Gods and whenever I pause from my reading bouts I can’t help but think Neil Gaiman is simply the most awesome brand of human being. The book so far is so very clever. Gaiman has such a clear writing style, but his words are crafted so well that you don’t find yourself bogged down thinking “oh yes, this is so very Gaiman”. The concept, too is simply marvellous. The man is a genius. This is why I read. <3

Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real - I Shall Be Released / Down By The R...

Home

I see the Bible as the quintessential book of stories, filled with wisdom, poetry, the hope of human potential and the consequences of human greed and fear. . I have no idea what God is. To me it’s a word that exceeds all human definition and explanation. To me, God, the Divine, the Universe... is a feeling word. I feel deeply that there is something more than me. Like any piece of literature, there are parts I find comforting, parts I disagree with, and parts that inform me. Recently, I was rereading my meditation journal and I felt comforted when I read the words “I will be found by you”  There, in that moment was the divine tenderly holding me and reminding me that I’m never lost or alone.

It’s easy to forget the unfathomable love and mercy that is the divine within me, and with me throughout my life’s journey. It’s easy to forget that I’m always on my way home no matter how banished and punished and apart I may feel. “Home” is nothing that I have to earn. It’s not that having seen the error of my ways, I’ve received forgiveness for my sinful self. It’s not the luck of the predestination draw. It’s what was always meant to happen. Home is the only reality, veiled as it may be. Home is all there is. God, the Divine, the Universe is Home.

I read those words and feel reassured and deeply grateful for the concept of God I am coming to know. It’s the realization that I was created with everything I need already on the shelf of my inner being.  God is all about teaching not judging.  God loves the student in me and seems to love studying with me. Creation is ever changing and God seems to love watching with surprise as each new moment springs into consciousness. ...There is nothing more joyous and satisfying than a “mutual” AHA shared between the creature and the Creator. But not every AHA is instantaneous. Many are born in the darkness of fear and ignorance, anger and loneliness over a lifetime. In that darkness I can feel so alone, so forgotten. I feel as invisible to the world as the world feels to me. It’s then, when the light of love grows dim and memories blur, that the Divine’s voice fills the void that doubt and fear create. With an act of gentle intimacy, the Divine puts forth its hand and touches my mouth and says to me

“Behold, I have put my words in your mouth, I have this day set you over the nations and over the kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down and to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant.”

Breaking down and overthrowing is not “bad.” It is neither a failure of faith nor a lack of values. It is a part of the natural process leading people to plant and pluck up and to build. I have wasted too much life on the impossible task of avoiding the dark. I forgot that seeds receive nourishment under the earth so that they can bloom above it. One cannot happen without the other. Taking root, building the stamina and the intent to push through the depths into the light can be challenging and painful. As bold and blinding as the black may be, as banished and apart as I might feel, that voice has never disappeared. Even when it seemed distant and muted as a whisper, I could always hear “Push”, “Push”, “Push.”

Susan Cain On Strombo: Full Interview

Happiness

• "Dad, everyone is looking for happiness. But what is meant by happiness?" This was one of the questions a wise boy in India, Sveta-ketu, put to his father many centuries ago.
  
  "One of the signs of happiness, son, is that a person who has it becomes active. A person who does not find happiness does not feel like being active. His mind is cramped, his will is weak. What is vast and infinite brings happiness. There is no true joy in what is small or finite. I can tell you that the Infinite alone is happiness; but you must desire to understand this Infinite, my son."
  
  "I want to understand it, Dad," said Sveta-ketu.
  
  "Good," said his father. "Then you must listen carefully to what I say and think deeply about it:
  
  "When a person sees that nothing and no one is separate from him, that he is one with all the people, animals, and objects in the universe, when a person sees and hears and knows nothing else -- that is the Infinite.
  
  "But, if one sees or feels some other thing, obstructing him, separating him, then that is the finite. He has not yet found the Infinite.
  
  "The Infinite never passes away; it lasts forever; but what is finite will pass away." 

U.F.O. ( Unusual Freakish Observer)

ob·serv·er-  One that observes

Most of my Life, ive been a people watcher,  fasinated by the goings on of those around me.   I dont know what kinda person can go thru life, just jet speed ahead, unaffected by those around them on a daily basis.... Never understood those individuals.

Have you ever just sat and watched the people around you?. weather it be in a crowded laundry mat, a bustling resturant with silverware clanging and people giving their orders..or just sittin outside the grocery store in your car, and just taking in all the fellow humans around us.

Its quite amazing all the little things you witness...a stressed out mother @ her wits end loading the family station wagon with the weekly groceries.. with a baby on her hip and 2 pint sized ones fighting and trying to run away with the shopping cart, or the older gentleman, whos daily trip to the store is possibly the highlight of that day. Picking up bananas and his tv guide, and feeling independant driving his dusty blue buick through the parking lot.

I like making up little stories in my mind about the people i see...:)

I was sitting outside reading last night, and i couldnt help but stare into the sky, wondering to myself, Is God the ultimate people watcher?  Sure, he knows all, holds the future, and all that jazz ( not making light, just sayin) ..but in my weird way of thinking.., i invisioned him chillin, just watchin us all on giant cloud monitors, like conveinant store surveilance cams. :)

LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4

Leading@Google: Susan Cain

This morning I got up , made a pot of coffee, and sat down at the kitchen table to read a little and enjoy the silence. It’s one of those little pleasures that I’m grateful for in my life.…just me. And the dogs.

Max has wriggled his way into my heart in a rather unexpected way. It’s hard not to smile when he presses himself against my leg, wanting to be petted. It’s a little moment of happiness we share.

I’ve been making an effort to find these moments more often, A favorite song that pops up on the my shuffled playlist. That delicious feeling of sliding between freshly laundered sheets. and recognize them for what they are … little expressions of joy that fill my day, and fill up my spiritual and emotional tank.

I often use this blog to post my inner thoughts and random by-the-seat-of-my-pants entries. It’s a good outlet for me, and while I’m not necessarily interested in growing a huge readership, I know that I have a nice little group of followers (thanks, y’all!).

Every once in a while, though, I do get a little too serious, and it’s always about something that’s close to my heart.(usually Religion or Family).. If there’s one thing that this world has taught me., that I’ve taken absolutely to heart, is that each of us has a story that’s yearning to be told. Our lives are unique — filled with many joys, but also pains. They go hand in hand with this thing we call the human condition.

Bloggers are sometimes guilty of always presenting the best side of our lives. It’s lovely to share photos of family get-togethers that look like Norman Rockwell paintings, of taking a picture that is cropped just right so you don’t see the laundry basket or the pile of papers that gets moved from the table to the counter, and back to the table. It’s all about illusion, isn’t it?

Why? Because we are all suffering in some way. Each of us, and we so often miss opportunities to connect with others and share these hurts. We can find much healing in the simple act of sharing and discovering that we are not alone in our suffering. Both empathy and sympathy are gifts.

Ideally, we should just keep going forward, but there’s nothing wrong with hitting the reset button every once in a while and going back to the beginning to take another route

Burst that Bubble

Athiest friends- Belief in something/someone gives us all hope, gives us a sense of comfort & frankly a reason to move forward each day in some cases. I was having a very deep theological conversation with a good athiest friend of mine. And he made so many good points as to why he felt so strongly against religion.

I dont like to categorize the people i know or have relationships with ...or put them in a box of sorts, I detest labels. but in the last few years ive been surrounded by people in my life who have turned from religion or just plain dont believe in any form of it. Its not even a concious choice on my behalf, its just who ive connected with & who have came into my life for some reason.

Once we befriend someone, or become familiar with someone (and usually even before we actually meet them), we begin to develop expectations about their behavior. This is our little bubble enveloping them. Once in our bubble, they begin to feel expectations about how we want them to look, act, and feel....I try to avoid this at all costs.

The further into someone elses bubble we go, the more our voices may soften, the more our opinions lose their stride. The further into someones bubble we go, the more fearful we become of saying something different, doing something different, being someone different.

My niece who just turned 18 is agnostic, she refuses to have faith in what she cannot see. "Blind Faith" she says is not for her. One of my best friends in a devout atheist. I like to think ive rubbed off on him some, and not to blow my own whistle, but i kinda see that i have in alot of ways. Thats one of the things we as christians are supposed to do right?...be witness and share gods word and shine his love on others.

I have to continually keep jutifying my life choices to myself lately. Ive been envious of others, and thats just not okay. I have to realize everything on the other side of that green lawn isnt always as it seems from a distance.

Today i have been feeling like im in some kind of bubble ( not politically mind you :p), everything is moving pain stakingly slow. I wish for once i was on track & up to speed with all those around me. But alas, i have created a life in which i progress at a much slower pace. I try so very hard not to complain & moan around about things, i honestly do.

I feel like i could crawl outta my skin, if only i could burst this bubble that seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I pray for a laser beam from the skies to zap the chip in my brain and restore me, restore my thought process. Letting my brain be free of all intrusive thoughts.

A few songs im feelin at the moment

Shooter Jennings - Born Again

School of seven bells- Show me love

Tori Amos - Beulah Land

PdF 2011 | Jim Gilliam: The Internet is My Religion

There is almost nothing like a giant cup of perfectly hot tea!

Its quite rainy this morning, I woke up to the blare of my alarm, which you think one would get used to, but no. I think I'll switch it to awake to music from now on. That cant be good for ones heart.:)

So here i sit drinkin my Green tea.. (made at home today,no coffee today.. shocker i know!). But i decided to make breakfast, so put on the kettle while i was at it. Msnbc's Morning Joe in the background, catching me up on the regurgitated news of the week. I do find Mika Brzezinski very enjoyable.

I find as i get older, well not that I wasnt always this way...but i find im loving a daily routine immensely. Does this mean I'm getting set in my ways? I love knowing what my next step of the day will be.

Ive once again been trying to do the whole "dating" thing. It really is such a over-rated ordeal. Sure, we all would like to have someone special in our lives. but to what cost, i ask you.:) Dating is like pulling teeth for an introverted person such as myself, a grueling joust of sorts, to see who speaks first, to see who ends the whole conversation for good. a race to finish what took only a few seconds to arrange. So what was the point exzactly?

When my brain doesnt shut down, when i'd rather spend the time doing something other than what i was doing at present time. I constantly joke about being Asexual or being a monk or remaining celibate for the rest of my days. But when does the laughter end, and where does the truth begin?

My Family...Oh My family. I have such a love/hate relationship with half of them at any given time. I havent spoken to my sister in over a week, and dont think I will anytime soon. I feel such guilt & dont like not being in contact...but I feel i must.

My 17 year old neice is about to have a baby any day, and my fears for her and the life shes chosen to recieve and be blessed with and the life shes chosen to give up, troubles me greatly. This child isnt ready to raise a child. I know people in their late 30 who arent ready for a child!!...so how is this baby going to teach, provide and nurture another living soul.

Once again, I take on the worries for those who seem to have none or choose to live in denial about them. :)

A few songs you should check out.

Maniac- Die Rad

Sidewalk Prophets- you love me anyways

Pink Martini- Que Sera Sera

Kris Allen- Vision of love

UYWI 2005: Jay Bakker: A Place of Safety

The Last Day of the Dinosaurs - Discovery Channel

Susan Cain: The power of introverts

What would James Dean do?

Wake up call- I woke up about 30 minutes ago to the sound of my dogs barking to go outside, so i slide on some sweats, pull on my jacket and zombie-like take them out. I did not sleep well at all last night, I have entirely too much on my mind. The bitter cold fresh air helped clear my head though, along with jolting me fully awake,:) So I come back in , give them a treat and turn the television on downstairs for them, start the coffee and start my morning routine,, i go look outside for my paper. Yet again. Its been swiped. Grrr. So here i sit, watchin old movies on TCM and comtemplating life way TOO early..

Restless night- Im still astounded everytime it happens as to how music can trigger such a strong reaction depending on what mood you may be in, or maybe a mood you didnt even know you could conjure up in that moment.

Last night i cried for what seemed like an eternity just from a simple song. Previous to hearing the song I was in high albeit tired spirits and did not feel emotional in the slightest. However by the time the third line rolled around (see vid) I was in tears. I still don't know why I was crying. I hate to cry! I think you go through so many phases in your life that it is difficult to make sense of them, let alone analyse every single one that sweeps through your mind.

Confusion- It is actually amazing how a perspective can change when competition becomes involved. is that called JEALOUSY? or just healthy competition? Example: So you think you are kind of interested in a guy, but then you arent sure, then you see them talking with someone else....and suddenly he seems more attractive? less attainable perhaps?

What is it about the ungettable that makes it so worth getting? its driving me nuts!~!

I do believe that jealousy and competition sometimes go hand in hand. You have to get that little green pang before you pull your socks up and go for what you realised you want. I don't know. Something or someone that is wanted by others seems intimidating but in a completely satisfying way..But if someone does not see you for the person you are....Is it worth it?

Maybe Ive just been reading too much of the book, Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis, psycho-analysing relationships and the misinterpreted feelings, actions and meanings that come with getting to know someone.

I know that once a third party is involved ... what you think is temporary could be something you may feel free to indulge in or with, the threat is like the lion to the gazelle. It creates a sense of seductive urgency to claim what may be taken from you.

Not implying that anyone is EVER anyone's property. But I think you might know what I mean, that being the fact that you may assume that you have the attention of the object of your desire, but as it is with people and life, you will never really know.

I love the phrase, "Object of desire." It is so romantic. Something not many people say nowadays as well, much like the word "handsome" I dont know what it is about the words we dont use anymore, and the letters we never write (because we have Facebook chat etc), and the romantic ideals that are rarely fulfilled.

I dont know what it is about the people who ignite the fires of jealousy, tingling our senses and lighting a tiny fire inside our chest that spurs us to do stupid or perhaps brave things.

http://youtu.be/EdBym7kv2IM

KONY 2012

KONY 2012 is a film and campaign by Invisible Children that aims to make Joseph Kony famous, not to celebrate him, but to raise support for his arrest and set a precedent for international justice.

Those times you are asked to prove God, but you know telling them your heart truly feels transformed won’t be enough because physical evidence is somehow all they want. Ive been dealing with this so much. I accept everyone no matter their faith, race, gender..sexual orientation....and yet Ive been attacked so much lately FOR MY love of GOD...not there's mind you.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about humans. People, as social beings, who long for relationships with other people. I don’t know where to go with this idea. On one hand I want to rant about Faith and God’s existence, and on the other hand I want to write about the word “social.”

I’m a person, I speak words, I laugh, I love, I am involved in people’s lives, I believe there is a God far bigger then I,

Then again, I’m a human, I type words to express myself, I get happy when another person chooses to follow how I live my life, I thrive on people caring about me and letting me know they actively want to know what I’m up to every day of my life, I….I…

Why are you reading this?…

As social beings, we long to be cared for, and loved. You want my love? Yea, I bet you’d ‘Like’ that. No, I don’t want anything from you, or give you a heart because you post something interesting. Meet me for a cup of coffee and tell me what makes you tick. Tell me deep down what you love and tell me why I am writing this and my eyes are watering. Let me reach across the table to touch you and ask you what your life is amounting to. You may post hateful things, so hateful , it makes me dislike you , but that’s not you. I know it’s not. Tell me your fears, and hopes, and dreams, and why your life matters. I dont think anyone has ever asked you.

Why should you read this? Why should I write this? I’m no one to you and yet if you got this far I am now a part of your life for these few few seconds. And to me, I feel special, because now I know you care, at least enough to read… I don’t know what I’m saying..

Christ Is Risen - Matt Maher - LifeChurch.tv Church Online

Gives me chills. Especially David Bowden’s spoken word in the middle… Wow

Food Shopping - after hours!

Late night grocery shopping could be one of my favorite things to do.

I love the peacefulness of a gigantic store after a certain hour, when everyone is home, no babies crying, no pushing or cutting in line, no lady with 50 different coupons taking an exorbitant about of time, as you wait impatiently behind her, shooting rays of death in her general direction, hoping she feels the heat as they shoot past her. No cashier giving you attitude cause shes had no break in the last three hours.

All that surrounds you as you walk down the empty aisles, as wide as Montana farmlands. are shelf-stockers and in the next aisle is the hum of some form of floor cleaner. You feel almost like running with the cart as fast as you can, cause who would stop you!

I remember as a kid going shopping with my mom, we'd always be on a budget and she'd give me certain items off the list to go find, and bring to the cart. Usually it was the cereal..( which she would let me , almost always get my favorite) I would try to ride on the end of the cart.

I try to make lists when i go shopping, they dont always tend to work though...cause i shop by sight alot. Tonite i didnt go by my list at all really....I got romaine lettuce, 2 large tomatoes, Potato bread, Avacados, 2 bags of almonds, Organic Cashew Butter, Sliced Ham, a bottle of Pinot Noir, and some Coke. I love taking my time and just looking over everything. I love the hiss of the water sprinklers over the fresh produce too ;)

Waiting in snow

Waiting-I find myself waiting. Waiting for updates, waiting to find out if I made it, waiting for my phone to charge, waiting for the mail, waiting to hear from jobs I’ve applied to, , waiting for updates to download, waiting for the next slip on the ice, waiting for a boyfriend, waiting to hear if I’m needed, waiting to see that show or that movie, waiting for food to be done, waiting to walk normal again, waiting for the love of my life, waiting to hear back from people, waiting for programs to load, waiting for pages to print, waiting for the good song on the radio, , waiting for an adventure, waiting for life to start.

Most recently I find myself waiting for this to turn out like everything else, like everyone else. I’m waiting for the day that it feels the same, for the day that comes when I will no longer feel better because of it and when I find that a certain presence doesn’t change my mood for the better, even though it hasn’t fixed anything. I’m waiting for when it has no more positive affect on me, or slowing down my head and making (almost) everything feel simpler and easier. I’m waiting for the day it turns out different - the way they all do. Maybe if that day would just come a little sooner, then I could get on with this aspect of my life again, without feeling like an opportunity was missed, when it’s not my opportunity, at least not right now. I’ve missed so many already, but I am extremely happy with the ones I’ve seized, at least of late. Those are the few moments where I’ve been either in the moment, or thinking ahead. I spend a lot of time thinking ahead, and need to spend much, much more time in the here and now. If I could only find a way to let go - to actually relax.

Snow- has always felt magical to me that way, slowly falling to the earth, so calm and peaceful. It’s my favorite part of this time of year… when the snow is slowly, fluffily falling, and it’s silent out, especially at night. When you open that back door to throw something in the garbage can, and it’s so incredibly peaceful and quiet. It seems to be the one thought that actually can silence all the others. When I picture it, when I picture me in it, I stand there in the classic pose, coat, hat, gloves.. face towards the sky, hands out watching it fall, and listening, waiting for each flake to make a noise and it never does.

There is something so incredibly slow and calming about it. As I sit here now I tell myself that maybe I should use that as a devise for stressful situations, to just take a moment and picture that scene - when the snow is falling and there is no one else around and it’s quiet and slow… but then I tell myself maybe not, as this time of year I would probably use it too much and not give it’s full value and then it’d become like an annoying pop song - played so many times it just stresses you out next time you hear it again. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want it to turn into that.

Why not just take a moment and actually be in the moment, and make a memory that lasts more than a split second glimpse. Somehow I’ve become nearly incapable of remembering things as a whole, it all just comes in little pieces, glimpses here and there, filled with so many important things to remember. It’s amazingly hard to rewrite 30somethins habits, especially when it’s the only habits you’ve known or had since you started being able to hold long-term memories.I’m not a fan of in the middle and that’s a bunch of where I feel I am right now, and most of it is of my own doing, knowingly or not.

Now I’m just rambling.

Snow.

Deep breaths.

All the time in the world.

It will all be okay.

Enough with the heavy.

Tunes- Albums & Songs i'm Currently Obsessed with & think you need to check out

James Durbin- Screaming. One of the best albums of the year so far ( even if it is only February)

Egypt Central- White Rabbit ( love this song)

Sleigh Bells- Reign of Teror

Shooter Jennings- The Deed & the dollar

Black Heart

The snow has turned to the color of ash
nothing is moving in my presence
the wind is barely blowing
hauntingly touching my face
I can feel my heart beating in the quiet

I can see my breath in the coldness
my hands are frozen and frostbit
the sun has left us
leaving this world in darkness

Pitch black all around me
When i see color again..
will it be like a dream..
not sure id even recognize another human voice
if i happen upon another living soul.

Death, destruction and deceit are all ive seen.. all i know

Newfie girl

There is this woman i know
she is very soft spoken
she speaks just above a whisper
almost like shes just been woken

Newfie born- newfie raised
this woman is a star shining
her snowkissed cheeks
and dark eye lashes
surely leave all the Canadian boys pining

Her heart is as big as the Universe
but dont ask her to boast
shes quite content just being herself
as she watches ducks along the coast.

Her smile can light up the darkest of nights
and her hands are full of magic
she will rarely fuss or argue any.
but crossing her is nothing short of tragic.

her Kitten is rambunctious & quite shy
she nibbles on her owners toes..
and hisses when she walks by
a lifesaver she has been
god saw fit to send her down
just as this woman walked in.

She loves to watch the midnight sky
this woman that i know
Each star is precious
and she will point that out
for she believes in god
and heaven is her route.

no matter what we chat about
she's always got an ear open
weather its about my latest crush
or..
the world falling on our heads :)

The greatest of friends shes been to me
this woman that i know
I pray we will be friends for life
as we continue to grow.

My Spaceship

My spaceship would have no nense of time.
it would be colorful & shine.
there would be lots of music & fun
afterall Life is a gun.

My spaceship would go everywhere
just push one button and think of a place
and we'd me off
im talking, anywhere your imagination can think of.

Maybe you want to braid a lions mane
or..sit on the sun for tea
or..possibly youd like to play piano @ the bottom of the sea.
My spaceship can go there.

my spaceship is a safe place
its my go to place
no matter how im feelin
it brings a smile to my face

my spaceship can transform into anything
at a moments notice
a skyscraper, jack in the box, or a giant set of mittens.
its quite unique that way.

My spaceship is very modern
it has all the new techy bells & whistles
it can blast me to the future
or send me back to the past.

My spaceship has no mirrors
cause there
reflections dont appear
so
if your quite conceited im afraid your not welcome here

My spaceship is so fast, its only a blur to the human eye.

I'm happy to live in the times we do,( all-though at times i don't feel like i am) and sometimes we don't even realize what advantages we do have. In today's society you can become a doctor after 40. You can wait to get married, be a bachelor at 50! A black man can become president.

I think there is no real goal for this generation, and none of us give a shit. Our parent's got married in their twenties and had kids. Some got divorced in their thirties and had more kids. And now live in the "Family Home." This generation we are so lazy. We aren't buying, we're renting because we are indecisive. And it's true with relationships as well. There's no heart in it, because we are in a what-if-something-better-comes-along mindset. The really funny thing is something better will always come along.

So all my Gen X and Gen Y homies, be indecisive, do what you want, and tell those Baby Boomers to suck it next time they tell you to grow up. Take your damned time.

I honestly don't understand why some people have to be so stubborn in the heat of an argument.

When a valid point is thrown at you and you realise they're right, why can't you just admit that and carry on arguing another point or if that was the only point, why can't you put it to a nicely rounded end?

It's even worse when they argue so fiercely against something, and then a little while later, you see they actually took on board what you said. So basically, they couldn't admit you were right at the time. It's just really really annoying and makes you feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy fighting when you could have had a much more pleasant and productive conversation.

I think the only way to genuinely relate to people is to be

true to yourself and about yourself. This means revealing the good and the bad. I hope that someone reading this might think ′I know what that feels like′.

Raised on the Nullarbor by their free-spirited parents, young Kasey Chambers and brother Nash would sometimes go for months without encountering another human being. Then, as The Dead Ringer Band, the family would perform in rough-and-tumble outback pubs, playing for little more than petrol money and sleeping in swags by the highway under the stars.

Along the way, Kasey was honing the unique talent that led to hit songs like ′Not Pretty Enough′ and multi award-winning albums like Barricades & Brickwalls and Little Bird.

With her trademark down-to-earth honesty and humour, Kasey shares the highs and lows of her far from ordinary life, from her idyllic gypsy childhood to confronting the personal demons that threatened much more than her career.

From the Australian outback to the world stage, A Little Bird Told Me is the moving, revealing and powerful story of a true original.