The Holidays

Quietness. Silence. No commotion of little voices whispering their Christmas wish lists to ol St.Nicholas.  No Christmas carol's this year either,  no family gathered together clinking glasses of eggnog.... Lots of No this year.

As i sit and stare at the twinkling lights of the christmas tree..in the wee hours of the morning. I am still sad. I am lost in my numbness. I feel very scared of this new year that is upon us. I dont want to welcome the new year, still in this state of thinking and being. I dont want to feel this way. I dont enjoy being this person.  I desperately want to be happy. So you say to me...Dale, you gotta make your own happiness.  Which i reply.. I dont have that fight in me.  For me to be happy, the engery it would take, is what i am usimg to survive right now.  I literally mean surviving...breathing, walking..exsisting.  

I am sure the interwebs are collectively sighing..and thinking, wow, is this dude being overly dramatic.   But i contribute to my life with the energy i have to give.  I long to feel other emotions and experience other ways of going about life. But i have to remain here. I have to breathe.

Holidays are rough for everyone.. That i know.  But this year, man, this year. For some reason i can't get back up. Ive fucking tried my hardest.  I am unbelievably tired.  A million tiny weights are clinging to my soul. 

 

This coming year is going to be a do or die time. My god, i cannot go through another year of this. 

Need the sun to break- James Bay

My life is worth living.  Geez, even typing that feels fraudulent & I suppose it's true..I must have a purpose.

I am on this circular ball in the universe for something right?

I have been trying to spend more time with my family. Its uncomfortable and i feel so out of place. I am sure its just me. But i dont seem to fit in anywhere. I am out here on my own, just floating, orbiting around the ones i love, wanting to land safe, but the fear of crashing & burning keeps me hovering high . i may never feel truly comfortable in my skin and being myself, truely myself around anyone.

 I try to not think about my life as it is, at this point in my life.

 I sometimes fantasize i am this energetic superhuman  that has no feelings other than positive &  uplifting. I think if i found someone to share my life with, i coud manage to turn things around. I know ya shouldn't put ya happiness on someone else...but i am beyond lonely.  Is it too late for me? Have i waited too long?  Am i even capable of that kind of love?  I hope i'm not too late.

Today is here.

I have to be honest it's been a really tough summer for me. I've spent many days wanting to give it all up and seriously contemplating how I would end my life.

That's not just this summer. I have a battle that goes on in my head every single day and I've been fighting this battle the majority of my adult life.

As most people living with depression I do a good job of hiding it from friends and family.. but if it weren't for them I would not be here today and that is a fact

I'm very thankful to have a few amazing friends who have been there for me even through the very very low times.  it doesn't get easier.. but I am still here