My Summer Guilty Pleasure. Big Brother!

The Real Literary Zeus :)

Wally Lamb is a Literary Zeus in my opinion, I've always loved books that i was unable to put down till the last chapter, and when i finished She's Come Undone( which i just finished reading and recommend highly, i wanted to start over and relish every word over again. It left me with so many questions about myself and how the world sees me, how I see myself, how I wanna live my life. that love comes from all around us, and sometimes we refuse to accept it, and just drink the milkshakes we are given:)

So I went on Amazon about a week ago and ordered his newest book and I'm hooked right away...I'm taking a break for the book just to write this entry...:). I love getting lost in his words, It's not often i find an Author I latch onto and have to find other works of theirs.

In his new novel, The Hour I First Believed, Lamb travels well beyond his earlier work and embodies in his fiction myth, psychology, family history stretching back many generations, and the questions of faith that lie at the heart of everyday life. The result is an extraordinary tour de force, at once a meditation on the human condition and an unflinching yet compassionate evocation of character.
When forty-seven-year-old high school teacher Caelum Quirk and his younger wife, Maureen, a school nurse, move to Littleton, Colorado, they both get jobs at Columbine High School. In April 1999, Caelum returns home to Three Rivers, Connecticut, to be with his aunt who has just had a stroke. But Maureen finds herself in the school library at Columbine, cowering in a cabinet and expecting to be killed, as two vengeful students go on a carefully premeditated, murderous rampage. Miraculously she survives, but at a cost: she is unable to recover from the trauma. Caelum and Maureen flee Colorado and return to an illusion of safety at the Quirk family farm in Three Rivers. But the effects of chaos are not so easily put right, and further tragedy ensues.
While Maureen fights to regain her sanity, Caelum discovers a cache of old diaries, letters, and newspaper clippings in an upstairs bedroom of his family's house. The colorful and intriguing story they recount spans five generations of Quirk family ancestors, from the Civil War era to Caelum's own troubled childhood. Piece by piece, Caelum reconstructs the lives of the women and men whose legacy he bears. Unimaginable secrets emerge; long-buried fear, anger, guilt, and grief rise to the surface.
As Caelum grapples with unexpected and confounding revelations from the past, he also struggles to fashion a future out of the ashes of tragedy. His personal quest for meaning and faith becomes a mythic journey that is at the same time quintessentially contemporary—and American.
The Hour I First Believed is a profound and heart-rending work of fiction. Wally Lamb proves himself a virtuoso storyteller, assembling a variety of voices and an ensemble of characters rich enough to evoke all of humanity.

I should be on drugs...but I don't want them! Thanks family for giving me your craziness!

"It always scares me when people say, 'I love you.' I've never been able to say that to anyone without feeling a little bit like a liar. That's horrible to say, but it's true. Whenever I say, 'I love you' to anyone, a little piece of me inside says, 'no, you don't, you don't love anyone, not even yourself.' " From the book Prayers for Bobby..I feel this way sometimes...I'm just tired...and having to put on a smile and act like everything is ok! EVERYTHING IS NOT OK!!!

But I can't say that, I can only smile when asked how are you? and say ok...:) A old friend once said to me "you always say the same thing, 'Ok' " Because, I can't say anything else...my family was never really good with expressing their feelings...but we are great at pushing them deep down and forgetting about them....letting them eat away at our insides...

God this sounds so depressing..LOL Please don't worry about me! I will be fine....I go thru these spells from time to time but I always come out of them...I am strong and I know I will be fine...:)Thursday night I went to a seminar about my new job. ...I have always wanted to work in sales.... They were looking for 2-5 people.but id allready interviewed and been hired, but decided to go anyways...and the room was packed...and the biggest thing they were looking for was customer service! I know I can be really mean to my customers, or well i have in the past...but I am a very caring person....and could deal with a job involving people....I can't afford to not work for months.(like some people i know). So, after sitting thru most of the seminar I decided to leave....

They need programs to help individuals like myself to go back to school....I would love to go back and I could take night classes but I can't afford to do it...I could try and get a loan but that would just put me in more debt....I know these services are great for people that take them serious...but it also makes me slightly mad when I hear people say they will get all there tax money back plus some because they have children....or they get to go to school for free and take all these classes because they did something bad and the courts are helping them do good for themselves...Do I need to go out and get into drugs? Go to court? have some babies? and ask the govt. / state for help? If I try to go now and ask for help they say No you make too much we can't help you! HAHAHA I make shit! I made only about 20,000.00 this past year! I don't know....it just sucks...life sucks...but yet I keep on keeping on! I get up every morning even when I am sick and have to force every ounce of energy to get out of bed because I know that if I don't I don't have a job and if I don't have a job I don't have a place, car, phone, etc. but I am also tired....so tired....and i joke alot but sometimes I would love to be able to just sleep.....sleep....sleep....sleep forever....When I am sleeping I can dream and relax and feel good....my bed is the most valuable thing to me....my sleep is what I look foward too.....When I get done work I take a nap and I feel ten times better afterwards....

Oh well.....I know things will get better...and I do need to work on myself and my self esteem....God it's sad when I am told I am handsome or the time when I was in a club and this girl came up to me and said, "You're sexy!" And yet I felt so ugly that I didn't believe her and said, "yeah right!" And walked away! No wonder people feel they can't approach me...I come off as such an ass...when in all reality I am not...

and my peers people I grew up with, classmates....are starting familys...having kids....going places....starting fun and intersting jobs...and even though I should be happy for the hard work I have put in throughout my life......all I see is me working at a dead end job.

Let me finish this with more from the book prayers for bobby..."I think God must get a certain amount of self-satisfaction watching people deal with the obstacles he throws in their path...I hate God sometimes for this and for my shitty existence...He must have seen the large tractor trailer approaching from under the Couch Street overpass and timed the jump. Bobby executed a sudden and effortless back flip and disappeared over the railing. The driver tried to swerve, but there was no time...He had descended twenty-five feet directly into the path of the trailer, which tossed his body fourteen feet under the overpass...the impact had ripped away most of his clothes and strewn them on the highway. Beneath his body paramedics found a two-dollar bill and seventy-seven cents in change...the medical examiner said later that Robert Warren Griffith, age twenty years and two months, had died instantly of massive internal injuries..." (Prayers for Bobby)

What could make someone do this? What a poor poor young man to have thought death was his only way out of the hurt....he allowed himself to be overcome with hate, depression, whatever and ended it! So sad....I could never understand how someone could do this....Even when I am going thru the darkest of days....I always know there is going to be light eventually...and I can just chock it up to more life lessons learned and know that I will be a better person to have lived thru it...If you get the chance to read the book I suggest it....it's so much better then the movie as the movie can't get you as the reader deep into the story.....so check it out "Prayers for Bobby by Leroy Aarons" Feeling better to have written this down and gotten it off my chest...I can now breath a bit easier...and go to my bed and dream...until I am forced to start all over again at the beep beep of the alarm clock at Yay me! LOL Seriously....I am fine this blog just gives me a way to let things out...my own form of therapy....:)

Lately I have been feeling like I may never get over this.I think a lot of it is because a huge part of me doesn't want to.Some days I feel a little better about it; I fantasize about my future. I think about living the life i want.. being in other relationships, getting married.But most days, it just consumes me.

I wonder if this was my chance at love. I wonder if I will ever find someone so amazing ever again. It scares me to think I may end up alone forever while I watch all my other friends flourish in their relationships.I don't regret falling in love. Because you can't have regrets, and for a while there I was happy. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I would be better off if none of it had happened

.I feel so stupid letting it control me the way it does. I guess its just that when you care about one person so much, so much that when you look at them your heart skips a beat, so much that you just like being in the same room as them because with them you feel safe, so much that everything is different and not as beautiful without them, so much that you physically hurt without them, that its impossible to let go.Its nights like this that I wish we could just talk like we used to.

I've been trying to focus on other things to get through it, but its no use. I just can't fully get into anything. Because without love what's the point really?