In real life you don’t stumble you crash.

Thoughts- I’m listening to The Decemberists and I want nothing more than to dance. Let’s pretend I am a person who occasionally dances vigorously in public (who am I kidding, I am that person). I could never actually dance because I barely have the balance to walk upright,let alone dance gracefully. I would fall face first into something hard or violently into the lap of a stranger.

If my life was a romantic comedy, possibly directed at a hipster audience , I would laughingly and neatly fall into the lap of an awkward yet quietly cool gentleman and our courtship would begin. Alas, life is not a movie directed by a cool, hip, young director, with a beard and glasses, oh and a moped with flames ironically painted on the side. When you fall over in the real world you get hurt, and if you fall onto a stranger your more likely to be taken to court than to have a courtship.

Brain-I have also been going through a fair amount of self reflection in relation to where I’m heading and what exactly is wrong with me. As an individual I am quite oxymoronic. I somehow manage to be very open and very guarded at the same time. I manage to be happy and depressed at the same time. I manage to be bold and confident and filled with anxiety at the same time. I am whimsical and delighted and excited and creative and joyful and spontaneous and depressed and miserable and hopeless and nervous and frightened and confused. I know we are all, all things at once. I’m not saying I am some kind of incredible anomaly of contradictions and complexity. I know I’m not. However, I have somehow projected all the positive, light filled parts of me so strongly that when I tell people I have an ‘anxiety problem’ I get doubtful expressions served along with my “Oh my God! Really”.


I call it my ‘anxiety problem’ because that’s what it is. I don’t like the stigma that goes along with the labels mental illness and depression. I feel like those things make it sound as though I am some how unaware of what exactly is happening. I know it doesn’t make sense that I can go to a crowded supermarket. I know that sleeping through the day to avoid confronting life or because I’m exhausted from being up to all hours because I couldn’t shut my mind off isn’t helpful or productive. I even know it is probably linked to a fear of the future and of moving forward with my life. I also know that there is probably also a slight chemical imbalance thrown in there that I may have to eventually ask a doctor to correct.. Just because I know all these rational facts doesn’t make these things difficult or less present in my life.

A month or two ago I decided to break the cycle I am in. Instead of constantly repeating the mistakes and trying to push on through I am going to take a step back. I don’t give a shit if most people have finished degrees by the time they’re my age. I am me. I’m no longer letting others or myself compare me to other individuals. I need to take time. I need to really figure out what I want. Not what was expected of me. There was always high expectations around what I would do with myself.

I am being very honest and frank here. . This is something I’ve briefly touched on here before, but now I am opening up on the subject more than I have before.

When I started writing this post I intended it to be a recap of my last week or so. Instead I have turned it into some sort of confessional that will probably get scrolled past. Thats okay though because I feel great after writing this. Now it’s time for me to put my nose to the grindstone and sort out my shit.

Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover. ( Reblogged)

I’m reminded of a song by DC Talk called “Jesus Freak” :

“I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm of his belly with my head
‘Jesus Saves’ is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream”

If you saw this man, what would you think? Would you turn away thinking he is a lunatic? Would you judge him for having a tattoo?

I think we need to be reminded of REVOLUTIONISTS.

John the Baptist, the prelude to Jesus, was quite a revolutionist. By today’s standards, most churches would snub their nose and roll their eyes. The guy lived in the wilderness, wore animal skins and ate locusts. He was loud and burly. In 2011, they would probably admit him to a psychiatric ward. Yet, this man spoke TRUTH and had a message that needed to be heard. And this man was THE man to baptize Jesus.

Jesus himself was a revolutionist. He wasn’t liked very much by the church (if at all). He didn’t marry. He had 12 guys follow him around. He broke what the church demanded was the standard. He went out into the world. He brought the sinners to him by drawing them in with love. He didn’t judge them. He didn’t persecute them. He didn’t raise a sign with “Turn or Burn” scribbled across it. He didn’t stone people; instead, he said, “let he that has no sin cast the first stone.” (John 8:7)

Jesus was here on earth and had a message. That message was revolted by the church then, leading to his crucifixion, and it still remains that way today in many houses of worship.

Religion is anti-God.

I know that is a bold statement, but it’s true. TRUTH is about spirituality. Your personal relationship with God. How you live your life even when nobody else is watching. Religion is the root of persecution…and pushes OUT the ones that should be drawn in.


Did God appoint you Judge?

Are you hammering the nails into His hands by judging your neighbor?

God uses people of every color, sex, nationality, race, education level, age, shape and size….it doesn’t matter.

If all preachers were the same, how could they reach others???

As an example, how could a conservative, white male identify with a young, black female just out of juvenile detention for drugs?

Preachers now can have mohawks, tattoos, piercings…and have such a powerful anointing on their life they make you weep like a baby.

But, would you allow yourself to be touched by the Holy Spirit if the vessel being used does not fit what YOU think a person of God should look like?

What about the manifestations of healing, prophesy and such being spread like wildfire by individuals you wouldn’t invite over for dinner?

Just think about it….

Jay Bakker - A Love That Restores

Barbershop by Dale Ward

getting your hair cut
and it falls to the floor
dead and frayed.
a breeze blows it around.

clip clip clip.
snip snip snip
as the barber spins you around.

floating in and out of a daydream
watching the people walk by outside
back to reality with a pat on the shoulder.
and flip of the cape, loose hair flying.
a brush of the neck and a new comb.

time goes by so slow here
few words spoken
tv blaring a baseball game
the smell of stale cigars

leaving behind something unwanted
fresh, clean, feelin ten feet tall
renewed once again
to face the world.

Pancakes and Vodka.

I woke up this morning at around 6am very thirsty and confused. Ive been dreaming the weirdest dreams lately. I had a dream it was the middle of winter, a blizzard had just closed the small Mill town i was living in , in Colorado of all places. i know,its not often I live in other places in my dreams.

Well, here i was trapped in a small log cabin i was living in, it must have been some kind of holiday, (allthough, there was no tree or turkey) but the majority of my family were bunkered down in the small one room cabin.


A cousin that i have not seen since i was about 17 was there as well. Everyone was being super nice (& it seemed very surreal for me, even in my dream.) I knew something was off-kilter.

Well..my cousin had a new born baby, and we were all discussing who was going to go get the diapers from the buried truck outside. i insisted on going out , since afterall it was my House and they were all guests.

So, off i go trudging thru the snow and blinding wind down a driveway that seemed to be endless under my feet.

I come to the truck, and the door is barricaded by snow. So I start digging...I dig for what seemes like an eternity,...winded and feeling frostbite on my face and hands...I catch a glimpse of something black in the distance. I can make out that its a car, but not just a car, its A FREAKIN LIMOZINE. I finish what im doing with the truck door and open it enough to grab the bag of diapers, and i toss them on the pile of snow, ive mounted. and take off to investigate this mysterious "car"..

At this point in my dream, i think i start to wake up, but i force myself to stay asleep.

I slowly make my way to the car, i notice that the engine is running but is stuck in this snow. the Limo is almost covered entirely. I knock on the window and it echos in my ears like a hollow can.

the Window slowly rolls down ( just like in the movies) so nonchalantly that i wonder if they even know they're in The Middle of a freakin' blizzard.

I gasp as I see who is in the backseat, Of all People in this world, Its Michelle Williams ( the actress) Now, i dont know why i would dream of her. I had'nt watched a movie of hers before bed or anything. Well, she was on her way to a movie set in Boulder, she says. sitting beside her was actress Busy Phillips.

She told me they were cold and asked if i lived around here, she said her cell had no reception. I helped them out of their car, I asked if the driver was ok. she said he went to get help hours ago. Even in my dream, i was trippin out and found this weird.



We came back to "my house" and a nice warm fire was going..my family were in shock at the guests id returned with, they all whispered and chatted amongst themselves. I asked them if i could do anything for them, & they said they were a little hungry. I said Sure, what can I get you both. Michelle looked at Busy and said , Im in the mood for Pancakes...and she replied, I wonder if he has any vodka & cranberry. they both started laughing hysterically and I woke up sweating like a pig as the sun hit me directly in the face.

I was a little confused all morning about this...I mean, What happened after that. I wish i hadnt woken up.


after blog note - I just googled a picture of Michelle for this blog..and come to find out her and Busy Phillips are best friends...I Honestly had no idea of this & am kinda freakin out...:O I mean i could of heard it somewhere and subconciously remembered...but still. I'm like Whoa. weird huh?

President Obama: It Gets Better