Thoughts- I’m listening to The Decemberists and I want nothing more than to dance. Let’s pretend I am a person who occasionally dances vigorously in public (who am I kidding, I am that person). I could never actually dance because I barely have the balance to walk upright,let alone dance gracefully. I would fall face first into something hard or violently into the lap of a stranger.
If my life was a romantic comedy, possibly directed at a hipster audience , I would laughingly and neatly fall into the lap of an awkward yet quietly cool gentleman and our courtship would begin. Alas, life is not a movie directed by a cool, hip, young director, with a beard and glasses, oh and a moped with flames ironically painted on the side. When you fall over in the real world you get hurt, and if you fall onto a stranger your more likely to be taken to court than to have a courtship.
Brain-I have also been going through a fair amount of self reflection in relation to where I’m heading and what exactly is wrong with me. As an individual I am quite oxymoronic. I somehow manage to be very open and very guarded at the same time. I manage to be happy and depressed at the same time. I manage to be bold and confident and filled with anxiety at the same time. I am whimsical and delighted and excited and creative and joyful and spontaneous and depressed and miserable and hopeless and nervous and frightened and confused. I know we are all, all things at once. I’m not saying I am some kind of incredible anomaly of contradictions and complexity. I know I’m not. However, I have somehow projected all the positive, light filled parts of me so strongly that when I tell people I have an ‘anxiety problem’ I get doubtful expressions served along with my “Oh my God! Really”.
I call it my ‘anxiety problem’ because that’s what it is. I don’t like the stigma that goes along with the labels mental illness and depression. I feel like those things make it sound as though I am some how unaware of what exactly is happening. I know it doesn’t make sense that I can go to a crowded supermarket. I know that sleeping through the day to avoid confronting life or because I’m exhausted from being up to all hours because I couldn’t shut my mind off isn’t helpful or productive. I even know it is probably linked to a fear of the future and of moving forward with my life. I also know that there is probably also a slight chemical imbalance thrown in there that I may have to eventually ask a doctor to correct.. Just because I know all these rational facts doesn’t make these things difficult or less present in my life.
A month or two ago I decided to break the cycle I am in. Instead of constantly repeating the mistakes and trying to push on through I am going to take a step back. I don’t give a shit if most people have finished degrees by the time they’re my age. I am me. I’m no longer letting others or myself compare me to other individuals. I need to take time. I need to really figure out what I want. Not what was expected of me. There was always high expectations around what I would do with myself.
I am being very honest and frank here. . This is something I’ve briefly touched on here before, but now I am opening up on the subject more than I have before.
When I started writing this post I intended it to be a recap of my last week or so. Instead I have turned it into some sort of confessional that will probably get scrolled past. Thats okay though because I feel great after writing this. Now it’s time for me to put my nose to the grindstone and sort out my shit.
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