Is it Time

Why, since I've been here, has my inspiration to write anything seemed to have vacated? I closed up tight like a clam shell, protecting something not exactly that of pearlistic qualities. To the right person, though, I guess it could be worth lots. It was such a big change, and I can't quite remember what pushed me over the edge to make the decision. Is that bad, that looking back, I don't have a good reason? I guess it was that blood, you know... that blood that runs thick through us cause we're all from the same.The same something, I don't know what. I do love them, my blood. It has been nice to be within a go-go gadgets arm's length away yet be able to breathe. But what is this air I'm breathing? Almost stagnant, here in this room day in and out, stagnant air. I'm not really sure if I lie to myself. It almost seems like if I question though, that I must, right? I'm beginning to wonder if my way of dealing with things is not actually very positive. Ignoring things seems to have worked up until this point. Not everything of course, I've tried to work through the other problems that have arisen. But those weren't those whole relationshipish issues. The ones you are meant to deal with by yourself, no, they weren't those. So maybe when I have to deal with things alone I just sometimes don't. I thought it worked fairly well, considering I haven't had to do it much. But now I think I'm lying to myself a bit. I'm not unhappy, I'm not sad... just not settled maybe. It is a crazy feeling when it doesn't seem like you have a place that you just fit. I'd just like to fit, you know? It's time to grow up and I'm scared. Every time I feel sure of something it seems to be ripped from my grasp. Maybe not even ripped, slowly pulled so that I know it is happening and I can't do anything about it. That's probably the worst. Or maybe it's the best. I just don't know. I feel like I don't have answers to anything anymore. Really, I just need to bleed. I'm sure that is part of the reason for this rant or whatever it may be, although not entirely the reason. I dreamed I was back at my middle school in line for lunch. And I told the woman my name, and she asked again... and I told her, and then she asked again so I spelled it for her. She then got a look on my face and I remember knowing something was wrong. She told me my mother died. I freaked out, screaming and crying. I remember the feeling of it all. I woke myself up at 10am shaking because of it. Maybe I just started the day off wrong? Isn't it time to grow up yet?

A trip back "home?"

The other day I took a trip, not a far trip, about 5 hours round trip. I left where I live now back to where I grew up. It was a weird trip to be honest with you. So many different sensations hit me at once. Number one, I didn't recognize a damn thing, number two, this place isn't as big as I remember it being. Lastly, the one that got me the most, things keep growing around you, even when you seem to be at a stand still.

It was so weird to drive down town 327, down the main street where as a kid I roamed with my friends. To see how many things that had changed, how some things were still the same. Cedars the café , where my ex and I sat for hours on end, talking and trying to salvage a love that was already gone. The additions, Mcdonalds, Walgreens, it is no longer a 2 light town.

The town has grown, and doubled in size, unfortunately I have grown too. I have grown out of that small town. I have gotten older and wiser, and yes I hate to admit, physically bigger just as that town has. While we sat in the Mcdonalds I looked around and wondered if I know some of the people that were sitting near us. If time and age had changed us so much that we no longer recognize one another. I looked at some of the younger kids that were either working or also eating, wondering if there parents were my old pals that I use to hang out with. Is it possible for people to grow and change so much that you might not recognize them, even though you grew up with them, hung out with them everyday and most of the weekends. It was a very weird experience, I can say that much.

One thing that I have found out about myself, is that I have to go back and see things from my past to realize that it's no longer what it was. A few months back I saw someone for the first time in 10 years. She wasn't the same person, although age had been good to her, she wasn't the 21 year old that I fell in love with. She was a completely different person. Believe it or not, seeing that made me finally get over some emotional baggage that I had held on to for way too long. I think that going back to my old hometown was the same way. I know longer miss that place, it's no longer the same, everything has changed. The people that I knew, the streets have changed, and I definitely could get lost if I was to roam.

Going back to see a town that has moved on with out me, has now made me move on with my life.