Holidays: Take 39

It hurts to be excluded,  especially by those who claim to love you most. Yes, i take responsibility for pulling away, isolating myself & shutting down.

I feel so misunderstood by my siblings. I am trying my hardest to get "better". It's so damm hard to wanna be happy, to move alongside everyone else. I am giving 100% of everything in me to fight this. I am taking all the right steps. It never seems to be enough.

They will never understand how much it hurts to not get that invite. To find out everyone got together without me. They will never realize how much i needed them to reach out a little furthur, to give me a chance.

I am gonna try to power through Thanksgiving. I know i am blessed. Even in my weakest moments, i am beyond blessed. God is using me despite my glitch.

The year i waited.

The whirling of the fan seems extra loud and intrusive today.  I stretch & rub my eyes, every muscle in my body is tense & i am really having difficulty focusing on one thought of 100's racing through my brain.

Glancing outside i notice the leaves are finally starting to change..& falling a little. This time of year always leaves me feeling heavy & sad. I suppose i am always sad. right?

In January of this year, i made a promise to myself.  I would see this year through to the end. (Hey, i made it this far). I held on..honestly, to whatever that would keep me afloat.  Medicated, i think sometimes it is working. Then sometimes i am just so unsure & confused.

This world is weird & confusing & so hard to navigate, man. It's a massive chess game.(fyi. I suck at chess) Every move we make is so important & yet so meaningless.  I keep playing, learning, hoping to get better. I am no different than anyone else on this planet, allthough i feel different.

As this year is starting to wind down, i am a little scared.  I intend to keep the promise i made & will more than likely make a new promise on New years eve.

Survive i must.

The Double Life by Don Blanding

How very simple life would be
If only there were two of me
A Restless Me to drift and roam
A Quiet Me to stay at home.
A Searching One to find his fill
Of varied skies and newfound thrill
While sane and homely things are done
By the domestic Other One.

And that's just where the trouble lies;
There is a Restless Me that cries
For chancy risks and changing scene,
For arctic blue and tropic green,
For deserts with their mystic spell,
For lusty fun and raising Hell,

But shackled to that Restless Me
My Other Self rebelliously
Resists the frantic urge to move.
It seeks the old familiar groove
That habits make. It finds content
With hearth and home — dear prisonment,
With candlelight and well-loved books
And treasured loot in dusty nooks,

With puttering and garden things
And dreaming while a cricket sings
And all the while the Restless One
Insists on more exciting fun,
It wants to go with every tide,
No matter where…just for the ride.
Like yowling cats the two selves brawl
Until I have no peace at all.

One eye turns to the forward track,
The other eye looks sadly back.
I'm getting wall-eyed from the strain,
(It's tough to have an idle brain)
But One says "Stay" and One says "Go"
And One says "Yes," and One says "No,"
And One Self wants a home and wife
And One Self craves the drifter's life.

The Restless Fellow always wins
I wish my folks had made me twins.