Metamorphosis.

Change.

I feel it coming. A shift in the paradigm. A catastrophe, perhaps. It doesn’t matter what it is.
These days my emotions are overwhelming me. As if they control me like a puppeteer pulls his strings.

I’ve lost motivation. I sit here, wasting my time, posting my thoughts, and further losing motivation. How ironic.

The worst part about this is that even though I am fully aware of this drastic change, I am perfectly fine with it. This is probably a horrible thing to do, to fall into such a pit of sloth and slumber. I feel disgusted at myself, at my lack of control, and my failing willpower. I miss the old days when I had determination. A goal to work towards, or rather in my case, a danger to run from. That spark in your life, you know? .

It’s always harder to work towards something than to run from another.Why did I change into this slob of a being? Insomniac, nocturnal human. Asymmetrical existence. A train headed for self-destruction. My mind feels constantly occupied. It’s quite unfortunate that I have not been able to read my own thoughts since a long time ago.

Sorrow. Love. Worry. Anger. Happiness. It’s all the same damn thing when you think about it.

Down the drain

Ever sat in the bathtub after a bath and felt the water slowly drain, lower and lower, pulling your body down against the porcelain, Each second another gurgle from the ominous source of deletion, its almost saying "Let it go"

the suds remaining on your puckered skin, alot of been washed away, but too much remains.

I sometimes sit there for long periods of time, long after the water is gone, the feeling of complete vacancy overtakes me, checked out, staring into space. Time seems to be frozen infanitely, i think to myself silently, how much i dont want those seconds to start ticking again, I hold my breath, close my eyes so tightly i see stars. Drifting somewhere outself myself, 

Jarred back into reality, tears streaming down my face. I reach for my towel, finding great comfort from its warmth, shaking off the daze.

As a human, a live, living person, that walks amongst other humans, I believe myself to be a "good " person. its weird for one to say that about themselves, im sure.   I try to assimilate to earthly feelings/living.  To say im living outself my own life, is laughable. I know im not connected to certain parts of daily life. Im a foreigner to ways, most find with ease.  I really must have a malfunction in my cranial device., a missing chip somewhere.

People around me with never get me,  Hell. I dont understand myself. I talk to myself more than is rational, I insist on talking to God, allthough lately im positive hes ignoring me. Maybe Im just not listening. 

I wont accept anymore loss,  I cant.  I will not accept anymore mistreatment of my soul.  I am sensitive,  i will not apologize anymore for that.  I cant apologize for being human,   I cant lead someone where they think they should be, I dont have that power.

When I fall,  How far will i fall?  I'm allready beyond reach.  I feel as though im on a tether, springing back into place each time, i go out too far.  Its gonna snap eventually, and when it does , Im gone, there is no return,  water down the drain.

Marriage Equality

Today is a historic day for civil rights in America. By declaring DOMA unconstitutional, the Supreme Court has stated that the U.S. Government can no longer deny federal benefits to same sex couples. This means that people like my uncles, who have been in a committed relationship for over 20 years, will now receive the same rights that my parents have. Personally, I feel reconnected to my American identity, and am proud of the progress we have made in recent years. Today gives promise to the hope that we can and will change when our nation isn’t fair and just. It’s a victory not only for the LGBTT community and those rejoicing with friends, family and loved ones, but also a victory for all who devote their lives to fight for what is constitutionally and ethically right.

While today’s ruling was monumental and imperative, we have a long way to go. There are still 37 states in our country that must shift legislation on same sex marriage before equality for same-sex couples is reached. But the real work lies in deconstructing the core of where the fear around same-sex couples comes from. Homophobia and intolerance continue to play a strong role in many households, schools, media and religious institutions in our country. Without directly addressing the real issues and where they stem from, America’s momentum towards justice will be stagnant and insincere.

This ruling gives us all an opportunity to address equality for same-sex couples in our homes, our schools and our social circles. We must continue to have dialogue and discussions around this issue, and push ourselves past the point of what’s comfortable and socially accepted. We, especially those of us whose rights are secure, are challenged to not sit passively in this crucial moment of cultural progress. True change lives in the minds and hearts of the people that make up our country, and must be cultivated, not mandated. We all have a part to play.

-Macklemore

Early Morning

The quiet stillness of the morning used to haunt me for years, now I've come to treasure its coming. I've come to expect certain things from its vague dawning. I often contemplate my life, where its going, where I've been.

Each new day is taking on such a greater meaning, I know we have fleeting time on this earth. Ever since my brothers diagnosis i have thought about nothing except death, the finality of it all. the afterlife, the lives left in the wake of passing.

So as I sit here in the shrill silence , I accept it, I embrace it. I love how it makes me void all racing thoughts.