Why, since I've been here, has my inspiration to write anything seemed to have vacated? I closed up tight like a clam shell, protecting something not exactly that of pearlistic qualities. To the right person, though, I guess it could be worth lots. It was such a big change, and I can't quite remember what pushed me over the edge to make the decision. Is that bad, that looking back, I don't have a good reason? I guess it was that blood, you know... that blood that runs thick through us cause we're all from the same.The same something, I don't know what. I do love them, my blood. It has been nice to be within a go-go gadgets arm's length away yet be able to breathe. But what is this air I'm breathing? Almost stagnant, here in this room day in and out, stagnant air. I'm not really sure if I lie to myself. It almost seems like if I question though, that I must, right? I'm beginning to wonder if my way of dealing with things is not actually very positive. Ignoring things seems to have worked up until this point. Not everything of course, I've tried to work through the other problems that have arisen. But those weren't those whole relationshipish issues. The ones you are meant to deal with by yourself, no, they weren't those. So maybe when I have to deal with things alone I just sometimes don't. I thought it worked fairly well, considering I haven't had to do it much. But now I think I'm lying to myself a bit. I'm not unhappy, I'm not sad... just not settled maybe. It is a crazy feeling when it doesn't seem like you have a place that you just fit. I'd just like to fit, you know? It's time to grow up and I'm scared. Every time I feel sure of something it seems to be ripped from my grasp. Maybe not even ripped, slowly pulled so that I know it is happening and I can't do anything about it. That's probably the worst. Or maybe it's the best. I just don't know. I feel like I don't have answers to anything anymore. Really, I just need to bleed. I'm sure that is part of the reason for this rant or whatever it may be, although not entirely the reason. I dreamed I was back at my middle school in line for lunch. And I told the woman my name, and she asked again... and I told her, and then she asked again so I spelled it for her. She then got a look on my face and I remember knowing something was wrong. She told me my mother died. I freaked out, screaming and crying. I remember the feeling of it all. I woke myself up at 10am shaking because of it. Maybe I just started the day off wrong? Isn't it time to grow up yet?
1 comment:
here goes.....dont ever feel like u should be closed off, you should be able to just be yourself and let it all out, we all have to grow up sooner or later and u shouldnt be scared i know u have gone thru a lot this pasty year but im sure u have family that u can be around, friends, me :) u know u can chat to me anytime.. amd im sure u will Fit in where ever or whatever u do, jsut know that you are an awesome person and a strong one too, i believe in ya! <3 shonda
Post a Comment