The Holidays

Quietness. Silence. No commotion of little voices whispering their Christmas wish lists to ol St.Nicholas.  No Christmas carol's this year either,  no family gathered together clinking glasses of eggnog.... Lots of No this year.

As i sit and stare at the twinkling lights of the christmas tree..in the wee hours of the morning. I am still sad. I am lost in my numbness. I feel very scared of this new year that is upon us. I dont want to welcome the new year, still in this state of thinking and being. I dont want to feel this way. I dont enjoy being this person.  I desperately want to be happy. So you say to me...Dale, you gotta make your own happiness.  Which i reply.. I dont have that fight in me.  For me to be happy, the engery it would take, is what i am usimg to survive right now.  I literally mean surviving...breathing, walking..exsisting.  

I am sure the interwebs are collectively sighing..and thinking, wow, is this dude being overly dramatic.   But i contribute to my life with the energy i have to give.  I long to feel other emotions and experience other ways of going about life. But i have to remain here. I have to breathe.

Holidays are rough for everyone.. That i know.  But this year, man, this year. For some reason i can't get back up. Ive fucking tried my hardest.  I am unbelievably tired.  A million tiny weights are clinging to my soul. 

 

This coming year is going to be a do or die time. My god, i cannot go through another year of this.