Last of his kind.

Everyone once in awhile i have to remind myself i am indeed human. Atleast i think i am.

I had a middle school teacher tell me once i was too sensitive for the generation i was living in. She was right. I've always been that guy with strong emotional reaction to almost anything.  I spent a great deal of my 20s disecting my brain & destroying my heart.  I've always felt things 110% , be it good or bad.

Sometimes i think i am self indulgent & selfish. I keep all these feelings to myself..all these emotions swirling around inside my mind & body...sloshing around & making my insides all oogey and gross. Years and years of supression, sexual abuse, self hatred. Being that sensitive guy that lets things pass through him.  I lied to access love. I lied, putting on the most glamourous of plays, rivaling any broadway production.

I've lost great loves, even if our body parts didn't align sexually, their minds and adorance of me overflowing any limit i possessed.  I wanted love. Female affection was there for me, when a males touch was too painful and out of reach.  I regret deeply hurting those i loved, you have no idea how much.

If i could go back and relive my life..i would do things much differently.  The rage i have for young gay males is absurd.. The jealously i feel towards them. I could of been that guy. Not so sensitive. The fighter, who couldnt be tricked into losing his innocent in his childhood bedroom, the bedroom i shared with my brother, the monster i loved.

There are many reasons i am the guy i am today. Some i am proud of ...some i will never be.  I wanna scream.  Shame has always been with me.  I rememeber feeling shame as young as 4 or 5.  That is NOT normal.

I want to believe i will be okay , some day. I do have faith in God, my spirituality has carried me a million miles. Some days i feel it's enough. Then some days i wonder why i possess the strength to even exsist. But i do. And don't question it.

Yes i am sensitive. Do i wish i wasnt sometimes? Sure.  Would i have survived all i have if i wasn't? Who knows.