I've heard people say before, that once you hit a certain age. All you seem to do is reflect on life and how little left of it , you may or may not have. reminising more than you should and trying to accomplish things, in earlier years you could care less about. I suppose this is true in my case, allthough I'm not so much worried about death, as i am scared of living. I have a constant fear of losing all my possesions, not saying i have much in the sense of valuables..But just the fact of losing everything. losing memories, losing touch..losing the grasp of what has made me who i am. Not sure this would make sence to most rational thinking people..But Its just how my brain calculates.
I've been trying to reconnect with certain family members. But i keep striking out in that area... I seriously dont know when its time to give up people. Thats always been a problem i've had, Just needing them to stay for purely selfish reasons, or the fact that i fear loss, or just that i think i need them in my life.
Of course family is differant than most situations i've faced lately. I am only one person on this earth, I cant read minds, I cant make things happen , just cause i want them to be. I cant make those see who refuse to see. and I cant make those love, who are unwilling or unable to love. Will I keep trying? I dunno, probably. If you've known me for anything period of time, you know i wear my heart on my sleeve...I may not seem like the most sensitve of people at first...I am almost cripplingly sensitive. I love my siblings beyond words, It kills me to feel like I'm so alone.
I've been painting alot, its helped alot with negative thoughts. Its been a great outlet to just let go and put my feeling in the form of something tangible, outside my mind.
One thing ive been doing since i've hit 30 has been trying to eat healthier.. I have the goal of becoming Vegetarian by January 2013...Not sure if that one is gonna happen...but ive slowly been setting short term goals, limiting meat from my diet. And its slowly working, i think. Last night I made Mushroom Burgers. It’s based on something I saw Jamie Oliver do on his cooking show. It involves roasting large mushrooms with a garlic and herb butter spread on the underside. As the butter melts and soaks through the mushrooms into the pan all the flavor spreads through the mushroom. They’re awesome. I’d even go as far to say they’re better than a real burger.
I’m almost half way through the book American Gods and whenever I pause from my reading bouts I can’t help but think Neil Gaiman is simply the most awesome brand of human being. The book so far is so very clever. Gaiman has such a clear writing style, but his words are crafted so well that you don’t find yourself bogged down thinking “oh yes, this is so very Gaiman”. The concept, too is simply marvellous. The man is a genius. This is why I read. <3
1 comment:
Im a lot like that. Letting go of people you feel you need in your life to make you whole is always a hard thing to do. Its difficult to have to face loss. In anyway. I held on to Leo for so long at any expense to myself because of just that...the fear of loss... failure. But in the end it really didnt matter. Holding on to people who made if obvious that whether or not they were in my life made no difference to them, did nothing but hurt me. Your mind is totally rational with what you are thinking.
Iminent loss is always tough to deal with. Having stuff you have worked for and fearing lossing it be it by life or death. Its always an issue. There are things that make us who we are and we fear lossing ourselves in death when we don't have what we are anymore.
I fear a lot too. I guess you can tell that from my blogs. Its normal to feel. I am also cripplingly sensitve and have more fear than is necessary. Its hard to let go of these things in order to just fully embrace the here and now.
Keep your chin up my friend. You have amazing potential and big or small...your life makes a difference to many....
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