Waiting-I find myself waiting. Waiting for updates, waiting to find out if I made it, waiting for my phone to charge, waiting for the mail, waiting to hear from jobs I’ve applied to, , waiting for updates to download, waiting for the next slip on the ice, waiting for a boyfriend, waiting to hear if I’m needed, waiting to see that show or that movie, waiting for food to be done, waiting to walk normal again, waiting for the love of my life, waiting to hear back from people, waiting for programs to load, waiting for pages to print, waiting for the good song on the radio, , waiting for an adventure, waiting for life to start.
Most recently I find myself waiting for this to turn out like everything else, like everyone else. I’m waiting for the day that it feels the same, for the day that comes when I will no longer feel better because of it and when I find that a certain presence doesn’t change my mood for the better, even though it hasn’t fixed anything. I’m waiting for when it has no more positive affect on me, or slowing down my head and making (almost) everything feel simpler and easier. I’m waiting for the day it turns out different - the way they all do. Maybe if that day would just come a little sooner, then I could get on with this aspect of my life again, without feeling like an opportunity was missed, when it’s not my opportunity, at least not right now. I’ve missed so many already, but I am extremely happy with the ones I’ve seized, at least of late. Those are the few moments where I’ve been either in the moment, or thinking ahead. I spend a lot of time thinking ahead, and need to spend much, much more time in the here and now. If I could only find a way to let go - to actually relax.
Snow- has always felt magical to me that way, slowly falling to the earth, so calm and peaceful. It’s my favorite part of this time of year… when the snow is slowly, fluffily falling, and it’s silent out, especially at night. When you open that back door to throw something in the garbage can, and it’s so incredibly peaceful and quiet. It seems to be the one thought that actually can silence all the others. When I picture it, when I picture me in it, I stand there in the classic pose, coat, hat, gloves.. face towards the sky, hands out watching it fall, and listening, waiting for each flake to make a noise and it never does.
There is something so incredibly slow and calming about it. As I sit here now I tell myself that maybe I should use that as a devise for stressful situations, to just take a moment and picture that scene - when the snow is falling and there is no one else around and it’s quiet and slow… but then I tell myself maybe not, as this time of year I would probably use it too much and not give it’s full value and then it’d become like an annoying pop song - played so many times it just stresses you out next time you hear it again. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want it to turn into that.
Why not just take a moment and actually be in the moment, and make a memory that lasts more than a split second glimpse. Somehow I’ve become nearly incapable of remembering things as a whole, it all just comes in little pieces, glimpses here and there, filled with so many important things to remember. It’s amazingly hard to rewrite 30somethins habits, especially when it’s the only habits you’ve known or had since you started being able to hold long-term memories.I’m not a fan of in the middle and that’s a bunch of where I feel I am right now, and most of it is of my own doing, knowingly or not.
Now I’m just rambling.
Snow.
Deep breaths.
All the time in the world.
It will all be okay.
Enough with the heavy.
Tunes- Albums & Songs i'm Currently Obsessed with & think you need to check out
James Durbin- Screaming. One of the best albums of the year so far ( even if it is only February)
Egypt Central- White Rabbit ( love this song)
Sleigh Bells- Reign of Teror
Shooter Jennings- The Deed & the dollar
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